There is a long story behind why I am here, and some reasons why I want to stay in Denmark the rest of my life. The whole thing is so massive in my head that I feel a big lump in the base of my stomach every time I envision the ordeal of putting it in words. When people ask me if i travelled here because of love and that if I miss Mexico, I tend to say yes to the first question and no to the second one. I sometimes elaborate and tell them that I indeed prioritised Sweden because it was 1 hour away from Denmark in train from Lund to Copenhagen, and my boyfriend has been living in Lyngby, so it was the best option.
If I could tell it all, I would talk about how it would have been more convenient to be in a Danish university in order to be even closer, but most universities in Denmark do not have scholarships for Mexican students, with some exceptions (engineer or international exchange students), and that most universities do not provide by default an student accommodation for you, unlike Lund university. I do not talk about that strange feeling that I get almost never, like a lightning in the center of my body, and which I felt when I saw the Swedish university website. Out of the places I applied to, I knew it would be that one. I do not tend to dwell on the what-ifs in this particular instances; I believe that in those times, it was meant to be, and I would not have it any other way.
If I could write a book about it all one day, I would talk about a sense of romance fed by summer roadtrips with my dad’s cassettes playing Jose Luis Perales for hours and hours (Me pareces el cielo cuando me miras), as we made our way to my grandma’s house. Heightened senses of duty, loyalty and honesty that have become nothing after my early 20s-depression, and that I now work everyday to build from scratch. I would talk about the dry, hot days of childhood, of the fury and violence of having siblings who are so viscerally different from you, and of the love I believe we still hold dear after the horrible bruises we have left on each other. I would talk about friendships that are as difficult for me to nourish and keep as the romantic ones, mainly because I wished I was a better friend and a better partner. I would talk about falling in love at 26 with a man from another country and then falling in love with the country itself. About how difficult it used to be to distinguish between my love for Denmark and my love for my partner, and how it is not anymore. About how I love Denmark for giving me back a sense of future, which Mexico took away from me. About missing the beautiful soul of Mexico, but not the fear and paranoia.
This is as much as I can write today, so I will continue soon. A big hug to anyone out there.