I had some pretty rough conversations this week. Sometimes you are met with silence when you are starting a new chapter in your life, but sometimes you are flooded with a lot of support and questions that rephrase or reformulate in their own words what you are going through. And I think that is beautiful, while at the same time it is important to keep pushing my own words and my own will into that discourse that is forming. If I don’t do that I start trying to fit everyone’s idea of my process into it. That has been my way, for a long time, of showing gratefulness and meeting in the middle. That’s what I thought compromise meant. Now I realize that what is really needed in my life and my relationships to others is to keep being me, with all my flaws and strengths. The biggest challenge in my life is to stop being dragged around by my own doubts, frozen in action, and start moving.
It is easy for me to get into a bundle of confusion about whether the anxiousness I am feeling is a reflection of my own fears or the ones I perceive from others, crawling into my skin. But I woke up today knowing that I still want this, all I have set in motion, that little by little I am identifying these moments of uncertainty as the moments for me to get out of my comfort zone and stop making excuses or placing the blame in someone else. The storm is inside of me, and this is no time to be anything but brave, excited, ready to give my heart away as I have done so many times before and deal with this new feeling that these are my decisions, my mistakes, my triumphs, my life. Oh boy, but at the same these are the feelings of human desire, of the common push for meaning and wants. My story is the story of everyone, of what has been and will be done.
All matter is purely condensed into a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. (– X)
Be proud of what you have accomplished, be humble enough to understand that the road is not easy and that you will learn ugly things about yourself, be brave enough to ask for guidance but wise in how you apply that knowledge into your next step. And be grateful, and kind, always kind. This is the person I want to be, and who I can see growing inside of me during the best of moments.
I am grateful for the people who have supported me as I grow up. I am also grateful that I have the opportunity to start becoming my own person and building my own independent life. One hard thing about existing is that in some point of your life you realize you are not only yourself, but also the people around you, and the people in the world. I cannot deny or escape those people, places and things that formed me and continue to condition me sometimes. But I can accept that they are part of my story. I can make a stable foundation out of my own rocky beginnings.
I always repeat to myself, be kind, not for the sake of being kind but because you understand pain, and emptiness, and you honor the process and possibility of letting others find healing. Do not look for confirmation and reassurance only on others, but in your own determination.
We are will and wonder / bound to recall, remember / (we are born of) / one breath, one word / Child, wake up / Child, release. (- X)
I have found out that I enjoy writing about my profession on LinkedIn and that I want to continue. I will continue writing here on my personal blog for some posts like this which are really therapeutical but I want to connect. I have found myself being very comfortable writing on LinkedIn because I am filling a desire to inspire and transmit what I am learning in a network where people actively seek to grow. I am challenged and motivated by conversation and assertions of progress and happiness. I want to tell people to not be ashamed of who they are, where they are going, what they are daring to do. To tell them to be afraid, to understand why you are afraid and keep moving. And that movement will make you free, because change is what makes us feel alive. And when we understand that everything changes, we understand that change is ingrained in life to the point where it is stable in its own apparent chaos. Is the one constant. And it is beautiful.
Departures & farewells.